Monday, August 26, 2013

Cooking Time With Odin

A.K.A. Why Odin can't have nice things. Or be allowed in the kitchen.

The adventure starts with this:

This box of tempting delight. This box of shattered hopes and dreams and kitten tears.

First I had to obtain the will to get up and actually open the box, because after reading the directions, I was like "Nahhhh fuck this."

But I kept thinking about it. Obsessing. Its call from the kitchen was gnawing at my mind like a dehydrated mongoose.

I wanted. Some motherfucking. Cupcakes.

So reading over the ingredients list, and getting slightly perturbed over the size of the packaging, I knew that I will not have as many cupcakes as your standard run-of-the-mill cake mix. But no, this. This box, was PREMIUM.

I continue mixing along, using a whisk because I have forearms of a GOLIATH....and I am too lazy to find where the fuck the beaters of the electric mixer went....

A few sore muscles later, I happily pull out a muffin tin. I set it aside dramatically, yelling out a bloodcurdling battle cry. I then advance to the cupboard where the cupcake liners are kept....

Only to discover, there were none to be found. And the deed had already been done;

And I am too socially awkward to ask someone where the cupcake liners are now hidden, I do what any self-respecting improvising bastard would do and grab a cake pan instead.

After having an ordeal with the non-stick spray (which was more like squirting instead of spraying therefore making me spread the oil out with my hands instead of finding some plastic wrap or something), and making the kitchen now smell like propellant, I have made my creation:

...I used a pan too big.

So I'm running back and forth into the kitchen every five minutes because this piece of shit is super thin and a burnt cake would make me flip a phalanx. After stabbing it a few hundred times with a butter knife, I end up with this:

A half-assed half-full cake pan. Bitchin'
Don't even get me started on the motherfucking frosting.....

Fuck this. I'm out. Motherfucking cake mix of lies.

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