Thursday, June 2, 2016

ODIN IS VERY DISTURBED

WARNING: My sense of humor gets a bit dark in this one. If you're easily offended, have ethical issues with hunting, etc, You probably don't want to read this one. Feel free to skip this, but please leave negativity off of the comments section, as it will be deleted immediately and you will be barred from commenting in the future.

So if you'd rather focus on more positive things, be sure to catch my Spring Favorites video for some shiny goodies instead:



So there comes a time when you say to yourself "How the fuck did I get into this side of the internet?"

And I found myself asking that very question when I encountered the game Hunt Cook: Catch and Serve! on the Google Play store.

 

I thought there would be some form of euphemism, or even a poor translation issue. But no, the game's premise is literally: hunt small animals. Then cook them.

 Mind you, this is all done in a Disney style PG rated environment that make Bambi's murderer seem like a Kawaii Magical Princess. (Don't give me that look, it's been almost 75 years).

The loading screen starts with this reminder:


Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean??? There is no law mechanic built in the game (as far as I know, I am not very far into it for obvious reasons.) I highly doubt a hardened wilderness survivalist is the appropriate demographic for this particular mobile game.

Basically you follow directions from "The Boss," a Shiba dog that communicates through some indeterminate means....or what have you. And s(he) has you run their restaurant. But this restaurant is super special! It is in the middle of nowhere! And the plan is to get people acquired to the taste of wild game!

And the character (you), who can only communicate in emotes, agree to this task for reasons unknown to everyone. 

So what exactly does this involve? 


Foraging for ingredients. Like free-range milk and eggs.


Getting new customers to try the wonders of wild game!

And of course, hunting small animals.




And how do we do this, you ask? Why mini games of course!

Start off by hiding in the bushes. Conspicuously. Waiting patiently for a critter to pop out.


Although, sometimes, you won't have any luck finding a poor critter. Sometime's you'll just find Rocco, the mafioso burying some evidence. And by that I mean a dead body.


Even I couldn't make this shit up. So apparently, upon discovering a witness, instead of killing you too, he asks you random questions about the sport of hunting. And if you get them correct, he'll give you an extra ingredient! But don't worry if you get it wrong, Rocco's a nice guy. He'll give you another go.

And sometimes you get visited by Old ManVeggie, who gives you random shit and apparently had forgotten why he was there in the first goddamned place. Sometimes he even gives you energy drinks!


Then you play some weird ass racing game that requires far more coordination than I am capable of. Because we hunt everything like foxes. And we all know how perfectly humane that method is.


Oh and you hunt fish that way too! You don't just use a pole. The boss has to chase the thing up river for a while.....or something....I just....it's too late at night for this shit.



That being said, I have severe visual coordination issues with this game. 

What you have to do is pass back and forth between the lanes using the two arrow buttons on the bottom of the screen, and of course avoiding obstacles along the way. Since the track is slanted in relation to the buttons, I have a hard time connecting left v right, and I end up failing a lot.

If you are having difficulties as well, they do offer a cop-out option where you can just automatically catch the game, for a penalty of half the meat.

And then after you successfully run the creature down, a cute little cutscene plays where your character pops it in the kisser.


........
O.O


So what do you do after you have caught some game? You hang it from the ceiling, then skin it, and hack it to bits!




Trust him, guys!

And then, you're done! Complete with a shower of confetti!



 And feel free to share your meaty goodness on Facebook! You're friends will be just delighted!

To be perfectly honest, I am pretty thankful for the censor. I really don't know how to handle Kawaii intestines and spleens being pulled out of a smiling carcass....

If actively hunting wasn't enough, you can also set down traps so you can leave critters to die slowly and painfully as they bleed out.


How Cute!

On the serious game criticism level. The game is a little too idle for me. There is a HUGE wait time between things to do, even for energy restrictive games like most 3-match puzzlers.


Fifty-eight minutes for energy recharge?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me??? Your max is only 3, by the way, and I don't see that increasing, but again, I haven't gotten very far. BECAUSE I CAN'T IN A REASONABLE TIME. Bitch, I got shit to do! I can't be waiting around for that ramen to cook itself. and I can only imagine at later levels, the wait times increase exponentially.

There is one way of gaining more EXP and money. You also have side orders that are akin to rolling quests that you can serve alongside while you are tyring to get resources for the primary mission meal. So that's a nice bit of balancing.

And of course, there's ads:

So many, fucking ads. And this little shit blimp right here:


Is another goddamned ad. Don't be fooled by it's deceptive flying ways. It is fueled on lies and orphan tears. Don't be like me and think "Oh, hey! That only comes by every so often. Maybe it contains goodies!" Nope. It contain's the same thing that was given to me with my college diploma: disappointment. 

Now don't get me wrong, ads are a perfectly fine way of keeping games free, and giving income to the developers that probably have various forms of permanent work related injuries and bleed for the job every day. 

However, I am a big fan of the incentive based ad campaigns where I get a tiny insignificant reward for watching the same shitty commercial over and over again. And it does help even the balance between pay to win players that annoy me so fucking much.

This game does have a little reward system. But it is very minimal. You can watch an ad ONCE for TWO diamonds probably once per day, or several hours. That's it. You can also do it again for ONE energy recharge. That's it. 

There's also the obligatory premium shops:


Mmmm Delicious Red Cow! It doesn't give you wings.

Another thing that irritated me was some functions of the game weren't really explained. This got particularly annoying when I apparently had too many ingredients and I had two options: expand the pantry (for the low, low cost of premium money in some number that I didn't have) Or sell your ingredients.


You see, I wanted to sell the extra wheat that was shaded out in the expansion that I supposedly didn't have. Even though it was RIGHT THERE. Being used. But apparently I'm not allowed to touch that one, not even look at it. So I had to sell the full stack of wheat instead.

There really isn't a lot of retention value in this particular game. Aside from the hours I have putting into it trying to figure out what the fuck this is really about and the absurdity of everything at all.

Ultimately, try it for yourself, if you found it as funny as I did, great, if not, I am sure you can find more fulfilling things to do with your life. Like pushing thumbtacks on a bulletin board. Or popping bubble wrap.

Also by the same developer: Survive! Mola! Mola! Featuring a rather depressing Sunfish. Like, I can't even...But good news! It's also available in Japanese!

And on the recommended downloads: Ultimate Kept Man Life! "If you work, you lose!"

If you need me, I will be over there. Building a rocket to live on Mars. After I catch another rabbit.


....okay, now they're just fucking with me.




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